Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Things I learned from my children AND the Saga

Raising children is an educational experience. Trust me--I learned so many things (many I would rather not know) from my children.

1)If you plan to build a campfire in your bedroom, it's best if you put a heavy layer of newspaper down first to keep the carpet clean. It works very well. Of course, it doesn't protect the carpet from burning, but when your husband dashes in there with the fire extinguisher, it does keep that white foam off the carpet.

2)If you like to sit on the roof, just looking around, it's best to do so at night so the neighbors don't call the police, the fire department, and an ambulance.

3)It's best not to allow a three year old to play with a working telephone lest they inadvertantly summon the emergency services by dialing 9-1-1. This can be particularly embarrassing if you and your husband are otherwise occupied when the police arrive.

4)Big Wheels + picnic tables = broken noses and visits from the social services to determine if you are abusing your children.

5)Never tell your children something you don't wanted repeated in the most embarrassing circumstances...even years later... especially if you use the word f***.

6)Unless you want your child to have a hairy eyeball experience with sex education, never assume they are asleep, outside, watching tv, or with their friends. Always lock the door. Even when they're grown up and have moved out.

7)No parent should teach their child to drive. No parent should ride as a passenger with their child--even after they've been driving fifteen years. Especially after they've been driving fifteen years.

8)When you receive a panicky call from your child while you're at work, get the important stuff out of the way first--are you bleeding? Does this call require an ambulance, firetruck or the police? No? Then we will deal with it when I get home. Your brother changing the channel from He-Man and She-ra to watch baseball does not constitute an emergency.

9)Waterbeds are not designed as substitutes for fish ponds.

10)Fire extinguishers are not substitutes for water pistols.

11)If your child swallows coins, they will eventually reappear.

12)If your child swallows charcoal lighter fluid, do not close the can before you take the kid to the emergency room. No one will be able to open that childproof can that your three year old had no difficulties with.

I earned every gray hair honestly.


Yesterday, Amarinda left me with...

“And Cyril?’


“Do something about your pants will you?” Emmeline kissed the ring and wished for the most peaceful place on earth. She departed in a whirl of colours, her mind focused on the future. A minute later she landed with a thump. “Crap that hurt.” Stood up and rubbed her arse. “Where am I and why is everything blue?”

My modest attempt....

The roar of the waterfall nearly drowned out the man’s voice. “Welcome to Dai’s Retreat.”

She peered around in the dimly lit cavern until she spotted the little blue man sitting next to a small flickering fire. Stomping up to him, she demanded, “Who are you? And where am I?

“I am Dai. And this is Dai’s Retreat for those who seek peace and rest.” He motioned for her to sit down next to him. “Sit, Emmeline. Relax.”

“Why?” she demanded warily as she squatted on her heels. “What are you doing? What is that thing?”

Dai plucked the needle from the fire. “A piercing needle. It’s almost ready.”

At once, she was on her feet, heading for the cavern entrance. “Nope. I’ve read the Zen Queen’s stories. She into some weird kinky stuff.”

Dai chuckled quietly. “You’re talking about Camelot and Avalon. Now Avalon gives kinky an entirely new meaning. No, no. Here we only pierce ears.”

“You’re not getting the picture here. I don’t want my ears pierced.”

“Oh, it’s not for you! Yours are already done. Three sets as usual. No, this one is for Zoltan. He should be here any moment.” Dai nodded wisely. “Then we’ll take you to the circle to say your vows… I’ll have to bite you of course,” he added solemnly. “Otherwise you won’t turn blue. We can’t have that at all.”

“What?” She dashed from the cavern into the brilliantly lit circle. A stone altar glittered in the center. All around the perimeter huge stone sentinels marked the edge of the circle. And filling the spaces between the stones were some old friends…

You will no doubt wonder what Amarinda and Kelly are up to. Amarinda has author Bronwyn Green as her special guest at and I believe that Kelly is going to explain what a Hills Hoist is on and then after you check them out Blessings on your Day!


  1. Thanks for the tips, Anny. I'm taking notes...

  2. Having just read the brilliant Travelers Refuge, I like how you worked Dai into the serial. I am disappointed that you are only piercing ears Anny...trying to be good are we?

  3. You have it backwards. Children should not allow their parents to be passengers because their frantic gasps and white-knuckled gripping of the dash while on a highway surrounded by tractor trailers can create a hazardous situation when the child attempts to determine the cause of the unwarranted panic.

  4. ROFLMAO!!!!

    I've earned a few of my gray hairs in some of those incidents myself...

    Looking forward to seeing how Kelly deals with this tomorrow!!!

  5. Clearly, you've lived a parallel life to my poor mom. She enjoys her grandchildren's behavior far more than she should.

  6. Never let your husband babysit your 4 year old who is in the poximity of scissors and is jealous of her 1 year old sisters curls. He WON'T notice the snipping when the TV is on.

    Do notice when your children are especially quiet and you are missing a permanent black marker. My basement walls and water heater were never the same after that.

    Do inform your children that roaches are not meant to be eaten even if they look kinda nifty.

    Even though they are trying to be thoughtful, orange juice, chocolate milk and crunch berries are not delicious mixed in a bowl together and the spinich topping may indeed be your favorite food, but does not pair well with strawberries.

    In the spirit of fun, I shall pierce something on the saga tomorrow.

  7. The tips were too funny!