Why? Who? What?

Sigh. I've been working on the concept of reading new-to-me authors without much success. You know it's bad when you can quote your favorite authors' dialogues from memory. Hence the attempt to find new authors. Here are my observations:

1. It's difficult to get into the story when you don't give a damn about the characters. Not even one little damn. They aren't engaging. Their dialogue is stilted or childish. They have no redeeming qualities...or they're too precious for words...including their cutesy names. Give me a Bob or Harry or George. Please.

2. Learn to spell. Learn the difference between utter and udder. Believe me, 'he was udderly desperate' is a startling image. I used to keep a list, but after six pages, it just wasn't worth the effort. And no, these weren't self-published authors. They weren't even small pubs. These books came from the 'big NY pubs'. Yuck. Don't depend on spellcheck to catch your incompetence.

3. Provide some hope for an HEA. The last three books I started had odds so stacked against the hero/heroine they made me ill with anxiety. I have enough anxiety in my life. I don't need more from my reading material. Also, when there is no glimpse of hope, the eventual happy ending is just unbelievable. Really.

4. Maybe place that black moment near the end. Geez, if the whole damn book is one long black moment, what's the point? You never get an opportunity to root for the good guys, cause they're just miserable. Why? Why would you do that?

5. What is wrong with some nice, normal people? Why do all women have to hate cooking? And all men are slobs? Why can't the heroes have normal cars instead of souped up jobbies? Why are all the women willowy or BBW? Aren't there any in the middle? And really...isn't there anyone over thirty in the entire world?

6. If you're gonna have a cat or a dog or a hamster or a goat, then dammit have it! I'm thinking of starting a digital rescue for all the lost romance pets.

Anyway, that's my take. And now I'm back to reading some of my long-time favorites. I reckon it'll be a couple years before I take that leap into the unknown again.