Stupidity and Fear

I'm sixty-three. When I was a youngster it wasn't uncommon for folks that age to die--and consider it a good long life. Now we think ninty is a good long life. I think I want more than sixty-three years.

Last week I went to the doctor for my quarterly check-up. I haven't been feeling well for a while. Nothing in particular was wrong, but nothing was exactly right, either. I was very pleased when I lost two more pounds and my blood pressure was good. Pretty pleased, you know? Surely, that was a sign that things were okay.

After my exam, the doctor double-checked my records and decided I was due for an EKG. And those first notes of discord began to chime. The EKG was "not quite right". She instructed me to make an appointment with my cardiologist.

On Tuesday, she received part of my bloodwork results. Seems the liver panel was "not quite right". And my vitamin D levels are still too low..."not quite right". So she ordered up a scrip for vitamin D and I have to return in four weeks for another liver panel. All right. I can do this.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my pulmonologist. Had a breathing test and a chest x-ray to determine the reason I have trouble breathing when I walk up the stairs. And ruled out my asthma as a problem. Actually, it's improved. So she instructed me to see my cardiologist because something's obviously "not quite right".

When I got home, my general physician called with more bloodwork results. Um, my glucose numbers were way up. I have to go in to see the doctor tomorrow while we discuss new meds for my diabetes because obviously something is "not quite right".

Next Tuesday I have an appointment with my cardiologist and we'll see what's what. It's kind of scary. I've worked hard to lose weight and eat right and get enough sleep and lower my stress levels and...still, something is "not quite right".

In my head, I can tell myself it's all going to be all right. I'm reasonably intelligent. But you know? It's scary when things aren't quite right. I refuse to die because of stupidity and fear. But I have to say I won't turn down any good thoughts or prayers offered up in my name.

Because...something's not quite right.

anny